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Aug. 30th, 2007 @ 01:40 pm Hurt and Alone
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Amber - 311
The flaw with sacrificing everything for something you truly believe in is that you're fucked if what you truly believed in turns out to be false.

I convinced myself I felt ok when I went to sleep last night, but this morning I feel shitty. Another day off. Alone. I feel utterly insignificant in this world. Like I could disappear and nobody would notice. I didn't want to get out of bed. And I didn't want to get in the shower. And I don't want to fold the rest off my laundry. And I don't want to wash my dishes from this morning. And it all feels trivial and empty, like all the space inside me that should be filled with meaning is filled with tears I've held in from the past 3 months. I want to badly to cry. But it won't come, and it was never a problem before. Before I could cry easily. And now it's just filled me up and made me hollow like a tumor.

So I go on and find little things to smile about because they're insignificant and I can still manage to smile about them, because everything significant in my life is a mess. With all this smiling and nonsense with insignificance, I think I'm also sliding in that direction.

And I wonder if at some point I'm going to have to cut off communication. And if it'll make things better or worse, and I don't know. I also wonder how I forgot to reach-out to people... and if I can still do it. Nobody wants to deal with me. I'm a mess.
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Night looks
Aug. 28th, 2007 @ 11:27 pm Alone in Riverside
The past few couple weeks have been interesting. My dad and sister came down and we had a pretty fun time. I was able to brave LA's public transportation system yet again without getting lost or stranded. On Friday I got rear-ended on the 60 freeway on my way to work. They hit my pretty hard, but the damage is actually very minor.

Today I spent some time driving around Riverside. I had an appointment to see the doctor about my hand (The appointment I've been waiting about 5-6 months for) at 8:45AM, so I got down there and hung around until I had to work at 12:30 PM. I went to the Community College to submit some forms that I've been meaning to, but they told me they won't take them until the next semester starts next week. It's very odd that Riverside seems to alien, even though I'm still there 5 days a week for work. The Sizzler that me and Nicole ate at regularly is closed. It's down the street from where I work but I didn't realize it until today. It's the sort of thing where I wanted to park and get out to hear the dead lawn crunching under my feet and peek inside the dark building to see if I could spot any dead memories that were trapped there. But instead, I kept driving. The independent record store I used to like to go to, "Sounds Like..." is also closed. I went there hoping to score good deals on used CDs like I used to do when Nicole was out for the night or at work for the day (she didn't have the patience to spend an hour looking at CDs like me)... but the place with closed, with a sad note in the window that said "Sounds Like is closed for business. Sales too low, overhead too high. We hope to reopen somewhere soon... Until then..." with several signatures at the bottom. I happened to go down Central Ave., where the Fazoli's (another place I liked but Nicole hated) had been closed and an El Pollo Loco opened in it's place. And they're finally finishing a massive theater and restaurant add-on near the mall by my work, and finished the massive new Press Enterprise building on the hill above RCC. It made me sort of sad, and just driving through down rushed me with emotions like driving through Denver or the suburbs of Chicago might. It would be normal if I didn't come to this place 5 times a week. I came close to driving to our old apartment, or through UCR... but decided it was a bad idea. It certainly wouldn't have helped any with emotional stability. I was caught up in my own little sadness and confusion, surrounded by explosions and implosions that seemed to make up the city of Riverside today. What a mess.

And I'm wearing a thumb splint again for 1-2 more months. They fear that Cortisone would damage my ligaments. God damn it.

And my god, am I lonely these days.
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California Flag
Aug. 4th, 2007 @ 10:24 am It is 5 AM and you are listening- to Los Angeles
The past two weeks have been an incredible montage of epiphanies and a profound moments that I've wanted so badly to write down... but have no idea where to begin.

Bean Town in Sierra Madre is extremely close and provides the cute little independent coffee place I can go to that's open until 11 PM during the week and later on the weekends.

Around the same time I discovered that place I met Melvina, a Chinese 19 year old Berkeley student that's from Highland Park (a neighborhood of North LA). We both have experienced the duality of The Bay Area vs. LA/OC, and she's not a complete fucking homebody like all of the other people I've befriended here. So she's been kind of like my tourguide of the LA area. One night is Alhambra and San Gabriel. Another night is Azusa and the Santa Anita Mall. Another night is Little Tokyo and Koreatown. Another night is Eagle Rock and Santa Monica. The whole thing is split by long drives and loud music that we're discovering the other likes. And it's all sort of this huge reconnection to Asian things for me.

So on Tuesday night we planned to go to see Common in Hollywood. And she decided (and I agreed) that it was a great opportunity to take the Metro in. I won't bore you with the details, but I got my first (and quintessential) LA Public Transit system Horror story. The result we being stranded in Union Station at 1:00 AM due to several factors including the fact that one of the lines was partially closed and we had to hike it twice. So we took a cab back and concluded the night. Common was fucking awesome live.

Wednesday I was recovering from the excitement of the night before and woke up kind of late. Pete was supposed to go out towards San Bernardino, but called me and asked if I wanted to go if he came this way instead... and I said hell yes! We went to the junk yard and then while out he mentioned he was buying a $200 car a little bit later. I offered to drive one of the cars back for him, and he accepted. So we drove all the way back to Claremont. This car had no brakes and no power steering, so I told him I'd rather he drove it. He said no problem. The dude we were buying it from tried to start in on my Giant's hat. I wanted to slap the shit out of him for being a fool.

We got the car home and after some work and some mickey mouse engineering we got both the brakes working and the power steering working... sort of miraculous. So we wanted to test drive it and put it through it's paces, so he drove me home in it. On the way home we took Glendora Mountain Road. The sun was setting and the views were BEAUTIFUL, but Pete treats it like his own personal race track. We almost into a head on, luckily Pete is a good drive and pulled an awesome evade out of it. After that we were squealing tires out of every turn, until we came into a straight and there was a CHP officer on a motorcycle sitting right there. Pete backed off of it, but it was too late. The office indicated for him to stop in front of him. We got yelled at and got checked out and got our licenses run, etc. Fun stuff, no tickets luckily. Home again, I settled in for the night.

I worked early on Thursday. Bobby, who I met at RCC and later hired, was opening with me. And in my days off, I guess he quit. The company does not want to give him the raise that me and Shelley (my boss) have been pushing for. So that was that. At lunch, I went and bought a long board. I know, typical. After work I went home and hung out for a bit and then went down to Manhattan Beach with Melvina, and cruised up and down the bike path on my long board. Melvina and I have hung out enough that she listens and reacts to those strange existential things about the city and being alone in crowds and things like that.

Friday I woke up, and it was 7:50. I was supposed to be at work at 7:45 and have my store open at 8:00. So that obviously wasn't happening. I jumped out of bed (I think I forgot to set my alarm) and I brushed my teeth and ran to the car. I'm trying to call EVERYBODY who can open the store for me (seeing as they're all about 10-15 minutes away and I'm about an hour away) and nobody answers. So I have to call my store manager and it's her day off and she's taking her husband to get Lasik later that day. So I do, and she's irritated but not mad... she just sort of says "Shit happens, and we deal with it"

So after work I came home and took it easy last night. I long boarded down to the Monrovia street fair thing. It was cool, but painfully familiar. All of these suburbia downtowns are more or less the same, I've realized. And I felt way too cool for those people. So I ate ice cream and read my book!

Well, I need to get going for work today. Take care.
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Night looks
Jul. 27th, 2007 @ 12:19 am Ron Paul Compilation

Ron Paul Compilation
"Ron Paul Compilation" on Google Video
More info on the Ron Paul Revolution. If you have the time, please watch!
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Night looks
Jul. 19th, 2007 @ 07:23 pm 1 Month in Review
This morning it dawned on me that I've lived here for about a month now.

Palomino sleeps by my feet every night. Sometimes she's not there when I fall asleep, but she's there in the morning. I also feel guilty because I kick her on mistake... but she must know I don't mean it because she keeps coming back. She's also found the shower and does the same thing she did at the apartment now: she'll peek in the shower and stand outside and cry and yowl while I'm inside.... because, of course, water is bad and poor Jason is getting drenched? She loves sitting on the window sills in the house, and I now have a little piece of a bar to keep the two windows that slam close from closing, so I'm avoiding crushed kitty.

The cool breeze flows in at night... and even though I'm still way inland, there's definitely a touch a marine air making it here. The foothills and mountains to the north are so close and beautiful, but since they're so close they also provide a great gauge for the smog. In Riverside on a bad day you can't see them at all because you're so far away. Here, you can see them... they're just visibly hazy. It seems to make it more obvious than the complete shrouding that takes place in Riverside, but I know Riverside is worse.

I know because every morning I come south on the 71, and loop over the connector to the 60 East. At the top of that ramp, I can see much of Chino, Pomona, Claremont.... and the entire thing is under a thick brown blanket. Above the blanket, to the north, are the foothills. On the way home, I roll down Kellog's hill on the 57 North before I meet the 210 West, and the view of the Northeastern edge of the San Gabriel Valley is magnificent, as the sun sets behind the mountains to the North.

Nobody local returns my phone calls. Nobody local answers my texts. I'm bothered by it sometimes, and sometimes I'm not. I feel utterly alone, but it's ok. I put about 5 or 6 hours in on my car yesterday, but I got alot done. I am very seriously thinking of selling my motorcycle... in fact, I have it listed. The girl that lives in the front unit of the duplex is moving out. It's a damn shame really, because she's really awesome. I hope somebody that's equally awesome moves into it, because I'll be pissed if they get some loser up there.

My sleep schedule is horrible. Well, by my standards it is anyway. I clean. I cook (when I have time). I take care of things. It's a bit simple, really. But I like it.
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Lost Angeles
Jul. 12th, 2007 @ 02:07 am Timing, Home, and Hippies
Lat Saturday night I was still up on minimal sleep. I was online chatting with somebody and the next thing I remember is waking up, with my computer suspended because it'd sat. And the lack of sleep must've caught up with me.

Sunday I woke up and went to work. Since the boss had been gone all week, I spent all day tying up loose ends so she wouldn't be pissed when she got back. I felt sick in the morning, but tried to shake it with Dayquil and caffeine. I was somewhat successful. I cut out of work about 15 minutes early, and headed home. On the radio I heard there was an accident on the 210 headed westbound, just west of the 57. Right in my path. So I took the 10 west instead, and then cut north on the 605. Back on the 210 traffic was a parking lot (even though I completely avoided the accident), but I made it home. Once home I had a few things I needed to do, and about 45 minutes to do them. My condition worsened rapidly, and I felt sick again. I popped dayquil and took an airborne, but it was too late. I quickly packed my bag to head back to the Bay Area, cleaned the dishes I had left, changed the cat litter and filled up her food and fresh water. I locked up my house, and did a final check to make sure I had my things, and headed to the Burbank Airport.

I was expecting horrible traffic on the 210 West (again) but it was smooth sailing, and so was the 134. 5 North was a bit tight, but moving ok. I got from my house to the gate in about 45 minutes. Nice. I had time to spare, so I listened to some stuck-up hipster kids chit-chat about Sebastopol (which was amusing). They looked exactly alike and had the same glasses. I considered entering their conversation at a few different points, but decided I was way too fucking cool for their little cliche scene and cliche discussion. So cool that I didn't want to be seen listening to them, much less talking with them. So I got up and left.

The flight is so short. My condition continued to worsen, sore throat and stuffy nose and feeling like shit. And the next thing I know it's night time and I'm in Oakland, freezing my ass off in shorts and a t-shirt. As I walk out to the passenger loading area to meet my parents, I work my CalPoly sweatshirt out of my bag, but can't get it on before I see my parents pull up in the Volvo and I hop in. The drive home is long, and my condition continues to slide. By the time I'm home, I make a couple calls to let people know who've been waiting up for me that I feel like shit and I'm just going to go to bed.

The next morning I wake up early, but go back to bed and sleep in for awhile. I wake up in my familiar bed and shower in the familiar shower... I noticed the towel bar got ripped out of the wall at some point, but don't bother to ask anybody about it right then. I go downstairs and drink some coffee with my mother. The house looks the same, but the cats are both in poor health. They're old, and Helen has an thyroid issues that make her eat and eat but she's always skinny and in alot of pain. Cody can't walk right. They've had him in an our of the vet, and his back legs just don't work. And the vet is sort of baffled. It's sad, because we got Helen about 15 years ago when we first moved to California, and she's moved with us since.
I'd agreed to pick up my sister and her friend from highschool at the Junior College, they're both taking a couple summer classes there. I open the garage and walk around my Cougar before firing her up. There is a sort of tortured soul in that car, and I think we relate well. She rumbles and I back her out of the garage carefully. And for the first time in more than I year (I think) we're cruising down 4th Street. The plan to take Bryden/Pacific is cut short when the road is closed for the day due to construction. So College Ave. will do, and then up Mendo. I wait in the parking lot of Taco Bell before they stroll up. Her friends is cute, with huge blue eyes. And she smiles, alot. She's going to Sonoma State, but I've already been warned about her. Jessica said she's quiet and socially awkward... and boy, is it true. It's a dead quiet car ride, aside from me trying to stir up a little conversation here and there. Her friend's smile is constant and it becomes a bit confusing and discomforting. Luckily I get her home, and she says bye. Jessica and I go home. I kill time until JP and Joe show up. We hang around and shoot hoops (wow, we really sucked) and I bid them farewell around dinner time.

I pick up Liz at her and her boyfriend's apartment. It's the little place at College and 4th, which had a reputation for ripping people off. I thought her boyfriend was coming with us, but he was nowhere to be found. I had met her through Kragen. I never worked with her personally, but I'd seen her around and talked to her on the phone some before I dated one of he friends briefly, and we ended up out on a double date with her and her boyfriend once. It never worked out between me and her friend, but me and Liz kept in touch. I also think it's worth noting that she's another Libra who I had "chemisty" with. Anyways, I picked her up and we cruised down to Mary's off Summerfield and had an authentic Sonoma County dinner. It was good, and after that we drove around for a little while. We cruised up Mendo for memories, and we discussed the history of our on-and-off contact with one another and eventually we sort of confessed and came to the conclusion together that we like eachother and we're into eachother, but everyone one of us was single the other was dating somebody. Which is a shame, but you can't force timing. It was nice to see her and that was doing well. She no longer works at Kragen and has a 7-5 office job now, so she had her bedtime. I dropped her back off and bid her farewell. I was heading home, and 9 PM was approaching. I pulled into the Safeway/Longs parking lot near 4th and Farmers Ln and made some phone calls. Amy picked up, and I asked her if she'd liked to go out to grab some coffee. She accepted.
Amy was a girl I crushed on near the end of highschool. I didn't really talk to her until the final weeks, and the summer before she moved. It is notable that she is between Libra and Virgo (September 22, if I remember correctly) She moved away to attend Sacramento State. So I pick her up in the Cougar (familiar feeling) and we head down o Aroma's, more because it's the only place I know of that's still around that's still open. We sit down with our drinks until the close at 11 PM, and then we head back and sit in the Maria Carrillo parking lot (our highshcool) for a bit before we drive up the street to her house and park in front of her place. Throughout the whole thing we're catching up on music, life, and relationship stuff. She's been with this guy out there in Sac for 2 years now. This time she brings up the element of timing. It surprises me, because we dated and stuff, but when I approached her more seriously back then things sort of fizzled, I figured I just wasn't right for her. But she spoke nostalgically, and said that she'd distanced herself from me because she was confused back then, and that she was in the middle of moving and everything. She tells me she wishes sometimes that she'd moved to LA (not for me, I know and I don't mean to give that idea) and that she wishes we'd met earlier or later... or sometime when we would've been in a better position to day. And by 1 AM, she says she should go and I watch her walk to her door and drive away into the night and back home.

Tuesday I sleep in a little bit again. I'm lame, and sleeping in (to me) is like 9:30 or 10:00 AM. I spend morning time with my family and we do some shopping. I get much needed shorts and a couple t-shirts. We head back to the house, and I head up to check out Joe's place around 4:00 PM. We watch We Were Soldiers, and I'm glad to see that Joe has a decent place to live and is taking care of himself and his home. I get dinner with my family at Roundtable, and after that we get home and I am lonely. I call Nicole because I have to, and because I've been putting it off. She's out at one of the local bars with her friends, so I leave it alone. A few more calls and Amy calls me and tells me she's going to stop by. We sit out in front of my house for awhile chatting about various things and listening to music.

Wednesday morning I'm actually up on time (8-8:30) and I meet Nicole and get the check signed I need signed by her. They still won't take it unless she's there in person. She's got some guy in tow, so it's even more awkward. We get it taken care of and I go home. We eat a quick lunch and me and my dad leave for Oakland. Traffic is worse than expected, and after security runs my bag twice it's full on sprint to gate, where I barely make my flight.

Back in LA it is warm and smoggy. The people look more alive. Each time I go home I'm reminded of just how rootless I actually am. Home is easy to paint as HOME when I'm here, but I go back there and the ties seem weaker each time. And I'm hesitant to call this HOME.

Santa Rosa once seemed so progressive to me, but I've come to the realization that it's not. It's backwoods, in the shadow of San Francisco. It's the same hippies driving the same imported cars with the same cliche activism they've been stuck on for half a century. No one is forward thinking. The high water mark of their ideas is somewhere in the late 60s and early 70s. And then a Republican came and ended the war, and they were rejected and their counter culture became the stagnant square nostalgia that would plant the seeds for various other counter cultures in the late 1970s and 1980s. It's all recycled failure. If they had been original, perhaps something could've been mounted against the Reagan administration or the first Gulf war. But only the same signs and ideas and recycled agenda came. So what the hell is so progressive about that? Nothing, I've realized. Nothing but a bunch of nostalgic hippies that cling to a fizzled movement that was the defining moment of their time, and passing that on to future generations so they will grow up believing they are the prodigal sons and daughters of an American hope that failed before they were even conceived. Damn fools.
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Night looks
Jul. 7th, 2007 @ 12:27 am (no subject)
I also have no idea how I am still awake, or how I was so energetic all day.
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Night looks
Jul. 6th, 2007 @ 07:19 pm How I spent my 4th of July and other political nonsense.
I spent my 4th doing something I'd never done before, but something I was proud to do. And it felt good, really.

Pics inside...Collapse )
We were out waving signs, chanting slogans, handing out fliers, and talking with people. It was a real rich feeling, the true grassroots. Besides the two men at the Gore table, we were the only people there supporting a candidate. And the two men at the Gore table actually like Ron Paul, and took a bunch of our fliers to give to people that stopped by their table! We were out there for 4 or 5 hours.

After that, we sat outside the Rose Bowl and watched the fireworks. It was the closest I'd ever been to a professional fireworks show, embers were raining down on us. But it was incredible.

Today I had an ok day at work, lots of ups and downs. I'm running on about 2 hours of sleep. Some lady fell outside the front doors of my store and it became a huge fiasco where she said she was fine but couldn't get up... I eventually called an ambulance.

I came home and this made my day.
I'm not sure what it is about this whole thing. I feel foolish because the nomination is so far away. But it's something I truly believe in. And it's something that gives me hope.
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Night looks
Jul. 3rd, 2007 @ 01:45 pm Politics
I feel passionate about a politician for the first time in my life. And I will withdraw my registration to the Republican party if he continues to receive unfair treatment by the party.

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Night looks
Jun. 27th, 2007 @ 09:37 am (no subject)
I think this is hilarious...

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Night looks